So it has definetly been awhile since I last blogged. Not sure if anyone really reads this anymore. But here goes what is going on in my life.
I just got back from another medical mission trip. This time it was to Nicaragua. People thought I had a second life in Honduras so decided I needed to go to another country:) Actually I felt like I needed to get my mind and heart back on missions. This trip was really good. Had 31 people which is the largest trip I have been on. I knew 5 people from a previous trip and 2 people from another organization. So I knew 7 people total but was going on my own too. This whole trip I was more out going than I feel I normally am. I felt like I was really myself that I was not hiding behind anyone. That was nice. Going into this trip I went in trying to get my heart back into missions. I had felt such a strong desire to do full time missions after the last 3 to Honduras in 2007. But after a certain experience that lasted for a few months and is one and off still. I have not had the strong desire for missions. I want that longing feeling back. The whole time I was down there I felt like I was at home. Like it was a daily part of my life. I loved working with everyone the new friends I made, the kids. How I loved holding the kids and just sitting with them. But when I left, I didnt cry or even tear up. Still in my heart I dont have that longing feeling anymore. I think part of it is that I know I will be back and that is why I am not sad, but the other part has no idea why I am not emotional about it. Is my heart hardend? Am I not following God's direction for my life anymore? Have I refused to do His will and that is why I am feeling this way? I thought I was doing His will for my life. Maybe my heart can only take so much and is blocking out my emotions? I have no clue. I feel so confused. I will go or do whatever is asked of me. I did learn on this trip that I have held my emotions in and have not worked through or talked through them so I have bundled them all up and now have no idea how to work through some things. I know I need to write out and express what I am feeling more instead of holding it all in. I journaled once on the trip and afterwards I felt so much better. And to tell the truth I can't remember what I even wrote! I know I need to start reading my Bible more and need to find a good study group to join. I have not been spiritually feed for so long. I think the hunger pains have gone away. That is all my mind to spit out for now. Hopefully more to come.....