YA this is my 100th blog! Just took me several years to do it:) So after my last blog I did feel better. I think I should try and make a habit of doing this. I don't exactly know how I feel now. So I guess I will just start with typing. I have wanted a great guy to spend the rest of my life with for a long time. I dont know if I ever will have anybody or if I am supposed to be alone. I have learned either way I have to be content with what I have and to just Trust that God knows what He is doing with my life. I think I have been holding on to the past just incase, as in having a back up plan incase I dont like the future. And that is not fully trusting God. I need to let go and well I am trying to figure out how I CAN let go. Why I have let this person get to me the way he has I have no idea why. That sounded like a confusing sentence even had to reread it myself but it makes sense to me. I guess I just wanted to be loved or know that someone would ever love me. And it just happened at such a time in life when my world was turning upside down. But now I know it has to change. Maybe God has someone out there for me. Maybe He doesnt. Either way I have to keep living my life for Him. I am trying to be content with this statement.

If I am to live in another country. YA. If I am to stay in the same area I have always lived then YA. I just need to keep focusing on what my life mission is. That is to serve the Lord where ever I am. I am not a peacher, I am not called to do that. I am called to help others in need. Whether that is in the hospital, in the store, on the street or in my house. That is what I have always felt I was called to do.

If I am to stay at my job and work in this city for the rest of my life. I will do it. I have no idea if I will ever truely make a difference in this world. But I can try. If I am to just do short term mission trips and buy a house here. Then I am okay with that. I wish I knew the future. But I need to remember to keep focused that God will open the right doors. Really He has to knock me over the head with it! Which He has done in the past. I dont know if He will continue to do this in the future or if He will show me in otherways that I dont know yet. But I feel I have done what He wanted me to do with taking this job and with the different moves, going on the trips I have and meeting the people I have. Everything was done for a reason. I just havent figured out what it was all for yet. But now I am just waiting for the next step in my life. Where I am supposed to go from here. What I am supposed to do from here.

This blog is more just putting out what I have been thinking in my head. If it doesnt make sense it is because it is coming from my head:) It is known to think differently than what is the norm. And if no one reads this, that is fine too. It is just nice to get it out. I know it is long but anyways. But if someone does read it and has any comments or advice I would love to hear it!

So it has definetly been awhile since I last blogged. Not sure if anyone really reads this anymore. But here goes what is going on in my life.
I just got back from another medical mission trip. This time it was to Nicaragua. People thought I had a second life in Honduras so decided I needed to go to another country:) Actually I felt like I needed to get my mind and heart back on missions. This trip was really good. Had 31 people which is the largest trip I have been on. I knew 5 people from a previous trip and 2 people from another organization. So I knew 7 people total but was going on my own too. This whole trip I was more out going than I feel I normally am. I felt like I was really myself that I was not hiding behind anyone. That was nice. Going into this trip I went in trying to get my heart back into missions. I had felt such a strong desire to do full time missions after the last 3 to Honduras in 2007. But after a certain experience that lasted for a few months and is one and off still. I have not had the strong desire for missions. I want that longing feeling back. The whole time I was down there I felt like I was at home. Like it was a daily part of my life. I loved working with everyone the new friends I made, the kids. How I loved holding the kids and just sitting with them. But when I left, I didnt cry or even tear up. Still in my heart I dont have that longing feeling anymore. I think part of it is that I know I will be back and that is why I am not sad, but the other part has no idea why I am not emotional about it. Is my heart hardend? Am I not following God's direction for my life anymore? Have I refused to do His will and that is why I am feeling this way? I thought I was doing His will for my life. Maybe my heart can only take so much and is blocking out my emotions? I have no clue. I feel so confused. I will go or do whatever is asked of me. I did learn on this trip that I have held my emotions in and have not worked through or talked through them so I have bundled them all up and now have no idea how to work through some things. I know I need to write out and express what I am feeling more instead of holding it all in. I journaled once on the trip and afterwards I felt so much better. And to tell the truth I can't remember what I even wrote! I know I need to start reading my Bible more and need to find a good study group to join. I have not been spiritually feed for so long. I think the hunger pains have gone away. That is all my mind to spit out for now. Hopefully more to come.....